No Escape

No Escape

She is temporary, she is blurred, she is all women and none,

She is cannon fodder, she is real, she is not what I imagine her to be.

I don't even care who she is.

Nothing here feels like release, a grasping and a desperation.

A yearning and an addictive fascination.

A substitute for what I lost over the decades replaced in one.

Everything changes and nothing changes, this is a very complicated time.

Resentment is a log in a tumultuous river. Resentment is a cross to carry when climbing, resentment is a shield, to protect me from the past. Resentment is over.

She is temporary, one in a long line. She is not the missing part of my heart. She is not freedom, she is a weapon aimed at everything I love. She is a gun held by myself. She is suicide.

She is a wave that rises and recedes, she washes away the bedrock under me.

I don't care who she is. She answers all questions, all yearnings have their fill in her.

All problems have their solution in her. A man with a hammer can only hit nails.

Resentment is heavy, growing by the day. Resentment is a skill to be practiced, an aim to hone.

Resentment is a cage. Resentment is a tool crafted by a child.

Resentment used to work, but adults need new tools. Resentment destroys but cannot build. Resentment can be replaced. Resentment protects me.

She protects me, she saves me. She scares me, prevents me from risk and reward.

She cuddles me when I am hurt. She stops the yearning for a time, she doesn't fulfill me.

I don't commit to her, she is escape to escape from, she is a tool.

She doesn't know any of this.

She knows everything about me. She fits in me everywhere I want her to fit.

I don't care who she is. I am growing to hate her.

She is replaceable, she is a crutch.

She is a gun aimed at everything I hold dear and I know it. I need her.

She is the opposite of fear, she is the cure for hope, she is my past bleeding into my present.

She means more to me than I realize. She is a weapon. She reminds me that I can let her go.